Did you know, October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month?
It is the second most important ‘awareness month’ in my soul. Not my mind, or my heart, my soul…
I cannot introduce myself or share experiences, struggles, or goals without sharing where I started.
I’ve heard so many people say, “Oh, it’s easy to share now since you had a happy ending.” That’s not true. Sharing at any point in your journey is hard. Trauma doesn’t just go away. Feelings don’t just heal. These wounds are forever. How you decorate those wounds are up to every single person. Each experience is so incredibly different.
Almost 4 years before the birth of my daughter, I found out that I was pregnant for the first time. This was not the goal, as we were about a year away from our wedding, but I figured this must just be the plan.
A week later, I found out that it was an ectopic pregnancy.
At 7 weeks, I had a procedure to remove our little babe.
We named that babe Riley.
For the next year, we went along with our business of planning a wedding. Then right after our wedding, we started trying immediately. We figured it would be a breeze, since it happened so easily before. NOT so much. Another year went by and nothing. Our amazing doctor did dye tests, blood work, medications… everything an OB could do before sending us to a fertility specialist.
Then St.. Patrick’s Day 2018, I just had a feeling. I took the test, and I was pregnant. We called the doctor right away, and he did blood work. My HCG levels looked great, doubling when they needed to, but because of my past ectopic pregnancy, he wanted to just take a deeper look. Another ectopic pregnancy – but this time my fallopian tube burst, and I needed emergency surgery to stop the bleeding. My husband had a feeling this one was a girl – her name is Poppy.
The depression and the feeling of failure are real. Not only do I struggle getting pregnant but now because one of my tubes had to be removed, I only have a 50% shot each month that an egg could actually be fertilized.
4 months later and 3 months of Femara, and we are pregnant again.
All the tests are done and ultrasounds – and everything seems great.
So great that there were two! Our twins. 8-week ultrasound to check their heartbeats…and nothing. They were gone. We call our twins The Blueberries – that was their size when we lost them.
October 2018 – we find out that we are pregnant again. All the same steps are taken. Except this time, we are just going through the motions. Trying to not get excited or have too much hope because at this point, I am not sure how much more our hearts could take. At every milestone, I would find excuses as to why I needed to wait for the next one. Even as we drove to the hospital to give birth, I was coming up with crazy scenarios that would keep her from us. Finally in June 2019, we welcomed the glitteriest type of rainbow in our sweet Alba. We decided that with everything we had been through – one was perfect. We couldn’t hold any more heartbreak if something went wrong, and I honestly didn’t think my anxiety and mental well-being could handle another pregnancy. We had the vasectomy scheduled.
Then, 2020 happened and all elective procedures were canceled. There were different plans for us. In January 2021, exactly 18 months after our daughter was born, our son was born. Our family was a complete party of 4, and I finally found that peace that I had been fighting for since our first loss.
I am not a natural sharer. I generally keep everything to myself. But I thrive on supporting, guiding, or just holding someone when things are hard.
When my husband and I were going through all this, we told no one.
How could I be there for everyone else, if I was actually the one broken?
Boy, was I wrong.
Have you suffered the loss of a pregnancy or baby? We would love to honor that little life, no matter how brief, by adding your babe to our Forever Loved Wall. This Wall stays up on our site year-round, so you can visit it any time you’d like. It’s not just something we do for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month each year. Email us at [email protected] with the name and month/year you would like added.
